Epiphany

I got a phone call the other day from my cousin, who happens to be one of only two people in my family I still speak to. She'd called my cell phone to give me a heads-up that my biological mother was looking for me - Cousin wasn't sure why, but knowing the history between me and my parents (and coming down on my "side" of things, as it were) she wanted me to be forewarned. The Biologic wants a meeting, next weekend, between herself, me and my sister (who's the other of the two I'm on speaking terms with). It's looking more and more like I'll be attending this meeting on my own, though, because Sister wants nothing to do with it.

I've had a couple of days to think about how I feel about all of this, and here's what I've come up with: I'm SO done. Before now, the announcement that a Biologic was looking for me would fill me with an ominous dread. I'd get a queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach; my mind would start racing around all the horrible things that could be done or said; I'd have a very visceral, and not very pleasant, reaction.

This time, though? Nothing. I mean, nothing. No twinge of fear or anger or nausea. No reaction at all.

I am in love with this feeling. It feels very much like the moment when you realize, after having been sick or in pain for an extended period of time, that you're no longer sick or hurting. The word "relief" doesn't quite fit, neither does any other I can come up with - and I'm a wordy English geek. I feel as though, finally, I have managed to click the latch on that particular door; whatever I thought I needed from my family of origin is being fulfilled somewhere else.

I'm meeting with the Biologic out of a sense of magnanimity (see? I really AM a wordy English geek!). I HAVE closure on this relationship - that much I've proven to myself by the fact that I'm completely at peace with this whole scene. There's the possibility that's what the Biologic wants, and if that's so then I'm more than willing to give that. If she's come for a fight, or for another round of pass the blame (or the guilt, or the blackmail or....), well, I'm just not interested in playing anymore, and I'm strong enough now to take my ball and go home. I have no interest whatsoever in having another go at a relationship with them, though, and she will leave empty handed if that's what she's looking for. I am very happy with the way things are, with them out of my (and, perhaps more importantly, my children's) life. I feel very sorry if that isn't okay with them, but they spent a great deal of my growing up telling me that if I didn't like the way things are, I would just have to wait until I was a grown-up and could make my own decisions.

Guess what? I'm a grown-up now...