Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Two Weeks and a Thousand Dollars

That's the mantra of new construction. The big joke is that you can have anything you want, but that it's going to take two weeks and cost a thousand dollars.

I'm not laughing.

We started this construction project in June. I was told that it would be finished by September and, truthfully, the part that was promised by September IS done. It's not DONE done, though; our things are still all over the place, we still have a kitchen that's in pieces (though, honestly, the stove, fridge and sink all do still work), we're still lacking floors and heating and plumbing, and now it's unlikely that I'll be able to start nesting until AFTER Christmas.

Remember a couple of posts ago when I said that I was impressed by how well I'm keeping up my stamina? I'm taking that back. I'm losing it, big time, and the worst part is that there's not a damned thing I can do about it. My tantrums, begging, tears and negotiations aren't going to change the fact that the house isn't going to be finished anytime soon, and I just don't know what to do about that.

I'm also not sure how to make people understand how truly desperate this makes me feel. I had someone tell me the other day that this isn't a big deal, that I should be thankful I'm not living out of the back seat of my car. Yeah, I get that, but what is that supposed to make me feel? Is that comparison supposed to diminish the fact that having my home in this kind of flux and disarray is deeply disturbing to me? I feel anchorless, scattered. My energy is being sucked out by the anxiety I feel about the state of my safe place. I'm not sure that people understand and, honestly, I'm a little tired of having to explain it.


Anonymous Mom said...

I read your blog about the "disturbance in the force" called your home. Sorry you still find yourself in that situation,although not altogether surprised.

As for the "car" comment,that seems somewhat akin to being told to clean your plate because there are starving people!!! Did you say"Oh,and how long were YOU homeless?"Usually those that are living in a car are grateful at that point to at least have shelter.

As for"getting it" on anything more than a cerebral level, I really don't believe any of us are capable of REALLY understanding unless we have worn those shoes. It's kind of like saying one understands what the deaf deal with if you are a hearing person. Between hearing how living in a car impacted FiL and hearing some of the stories he tells of the poor in this state, and seeing how lack of food impacted Noodle, I believe that 'getting it" is outside our experiential capabilities. The best we can say is "Thank the Goddess I haven't had to have that test".

As for the house thing, it's always interesting how our EXTERIOR chaos only serves to test our INTERNAL sense of stability. I mean REALLY, if we were as altogether as we like to THINK we are, we would pass these cosmic exams with much more ease!!! I know that I'm usually amused (that's a positive spin) by my internal reactions to external situations that cause ME to feel less than anchored!!!

Much love-mom

12:13 PM  

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