Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Feeling Bad About Feeling Good

A couple of weeks ago, I was out with some friends. Not old, known-them-forever friends, but people who I was really hoping to develop into old, known-them-forever friends. I saw one of these friends this afternoon, and now I'm thinking that the kind of relationships that I've been hoping for are not likely to happen.

I shared a comment that someone made to me at work with these friends a few weeks ago, and it turns out that one of these ladies - perhaps both, I don't know for sure - took it badly. She was offended by my sharing this positive news with her. I suspect that it made her feel as though I thought myself above her (all of us are in the same profession), though that was in NO way my intention. I was excited; bouyed by a small bit of good news amongst a litany of frustrations and uncertainties. That my comments were taken the way they were leaves me at a loss for what to do next.

I've spent the afternoon trying to sort out my feelings about all of this. I am excited by the fact that someone at work thinks I'm doing a good job, but do I think that means that I know all there is to know about my work? Not even a little. I want to be able to share these kinds of thing with my friends, though - it feels as though all I ever talk about lately are negative things - but now I'm feeling that I need to be very guarded about what I say.

I'm beginning to notice that this seems to happen to me a lot lately. There are only a few people who I can talk to about my frustrations surrounding the construction to my house; there are some people with whom I do not discuss the fact that my marriage is happy and stable. It used to be that only politics and religion were taboo subjects. I'm finding that's not necessarily the case.

I'm certain that there's something about ME that's causing the problem. I'm going to go hibernate for a while to see if I can figure out what it is.


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